Self-defeating Post

Where can I begin? It's no secret that I hate my job. It's not a very glamorous job. It's not a job someone would be happy or encouraged to say they do. It's not exciting. Most of the time, I'm ashamed to answer when people ask what I do. It's a nothing job.

I work in the maintenance department of a movie theater. I fix the seats when they break. During showtime hours, I fix butter dispensers, popcorn poppers and toilets. If nothing's broken, I sit in the maintenance room with retired or soon-to-be reired blue-collar unioners with back-water stories about work and Harley Davidson mentalities. I'm writing this from seat #2 on the top row of theater house #3.

Is this the future in store for me? I'm destined for greatness and can't see any greatness in what I do or my philosophies on life.

I want so much more. I'd really like to travel once in a while. I want a job that takes me to some far off place to do business for a few days a couple times a year. That dream is fading. I'm facing the mid-life blues. I've accomplised so little in my life and I fear time is running out. Hell, my degree isn't even approved as a degree yet. The career I pursue would allow me to do my job at home where "traveling" would be from my desk to the fridge. What am I doing?!

I ... I'm just feeling a little disappointed with myself right now. I feel I've lost my creativity and I'm strugling with my little blog here. How do people make money with these things? If I were paid to write, I'd write like crazy. If I were paid on my merit, skills and abilitits rather than how long I'm here, I might feel like I have worth. But the economy right now ... keeps me from even trying to find a new job. There are hundreds of thousands of people right now who would love to be in my shoes. Why can't I just appreciate it?